Musings
Annual stories on personal reflections.
Chapter 1 - Crossroads
I am constantly reminded that nothing comes without courage and that decisions must be made regardless of how bitter and perilous the journey may be. It was during my college’s design show in April when I was bombarded with questions ranging from “Do you have plans to take this work further?” to “What are you going to do after serving/while waiting for enlistment?” that intensified my anxiousness and left me wondering about progress in my career along with the viability of continuing with it. My past few months have been spent with countless nights staring at the bedroom ceiling, pondering about the responsibilities that would, in time, burden me as an adult. I didn’t have concrete answers to all the questions flooding my mind.
After what seemed like an eternity of predicaments, I decided to forgo my ideals and went freelance under a design consultancy instead of working full-time to negate my habit of being too emotionally invested, which has been steadily altering my perception of what inspires me. Not that I hate designing stuff, but I haven’t felt any motivation or satisfaction since my previous internship ended. I am starting to wonder If this was my brain’s way of hinting to my heart about the current state as a response to the sea of thoughts I find myself drowning in. I’ve found myself being increasingly involved in communal activities online, which led me to discover the film/photography community that has progressively given me plenty of inspiration and motivation to commit myself to curating projects like the #pentaxpanproject, subsequently paving the way for more projects related to storytelling & documentary, further compelling me to re-evaluate my decisions.
As my enlistment day approaches with two years of service ahead of me, I can’t help but wonder how I will navigate myself into the future, and maybe that’s what’s getting me worried again…The Inevitable.
No matter our decisions, we all need that courage to ask ourselves the questions that matter the most, regardless of the sacrifices we make for a better version of ourselves.
- July, 2022
One year later…
Chapter 2 - All Is Temporary
It’s time I talk about this…the reoccurring dreams of my worries being played out as the days pass, only this time, I was waking up with four walls and lockers surrounding me with a rock-hard pillow providing a pathetic excuse for physical aid. This past year has placed me in repeated scenarios of denial. My emotions have seemingly betrayed me, thinking I had it together after experiencing my ordeals from the previous year. Yet, at times, I’ve fought against the willingness to adapt to an otherwise new phase of life. Truth is, I’ve met some seriously terrible people that disgust me with their lack of morals and manners. Why people have the impression of older age equals maturity is incredibly puzzling because that’s the fattest lie that’s been shoved in my face throughout the past year.
I want to be desensitised to what seems minor, but it has proven to be more difficult than it seems. An invisible barrier shrouds me. I can feel it. I know it’s there, but I’m having trouble finding my way through. It’s disappointing that I just can't seem to do much about it, but I also feel indifferent when I look back and realise that I just couldn’t give a damn after all the effort I put in amounts to nothing at all. There’s also been a constant voice in my head, reminding me of my upcoming University Education that I’ve been told to “not worry about so much”. This underlying issue is often accompanied by well-meaning compliments like “Nigel has his life together one lah” or “I’ll make it regardless of what gets thrown at me”. I’m still just as lost as last year, albeit slightly less than before. With all the thoughts that cloud my mind, I can only assure myself with a single reminder…that all is temporary, and these complications shall pass sooner or later.
Embrace the suck. Keep your chin up. Be bold, be brave.
- July, 2023